Well, I saw the urologist today. No answers yet. He did perform the finger wave (shudder) and scheduled me for more tests. He threw around the "C" word but basically said that he wanted to make sure that it was not this. He did not offer an opinion one way or another other than that.

I pray that it is not. Its hard not knowing whats going on. I'm afraid to look up anything about the disease. I guess I am afraid that if I do I'll jinx myself and make it so.

To top it all off, I think I picked up something while I was waiting in the Emergency room the other day. I spent 10 hours there just to be told that I wasn't in any immediate danger of dying. I guess that's a plus.

Kidney Issues

I found out last week that I have blood in my urine still. It was first noticed back in 2007 before I got out of the Navy. They said I had a cyst on one of my kidneys. When I had a UA done recently they said I had a lot of blood in my urine. They are sending me to see another urologist. I am a little worried. I definitely don't want to develop serious kidney issues at my age.

"I'm much too young to feel this damn old."

GARTH BROOKS

Been A Long Time

I can't believe I haven't posted here in so long. I got a little busy in school and I guess I didn't feel as passionate about some things as I once did... or maybe I just wanted to stop caring for a while. I don't know.

Right now I feel a little hollow inside. It took a while but I finally finished school, now I'm not sure what comes next. That's the weird thing about reaching your goal; you need another goal right after it or you start to flounder. Your sense of accomplishments can quickly fade to a sense of futility. Why did I put myself through all that when nothing seems to have changed in my life. I know why I finished school, because I wanted to but I still feel like I was expecting some world changing result that didn't come.

Part of my feelings may be my dissatisfaction with my current job. I kind of wish I had gone for the education degree. I know it would have been hard to find a job when it was through but I think I would have been good at it. Maybe, I still can be good at it. We'll see if life leads me in that direction. Maybe I should make taht my next goal? I'll have to think about it.

So much has happened in the last few years. My father passed away last Fall. It was kind of odd for me because I hadn't seen him in so long. When I finally met up with him again a few years ago, he didn't even know who I was. Alzheimer's had taken much of his memory away. I had so many regrets and mixed feeling as a result of this. I regretted not finding him sooner. I regretted any part I had in pushing him away. I hated him for leaving Massachusetts and not telling the kids in his second family where he was going. I remembered the good times we had when I was younger and I remember the bad.

On a lighter note, I took up riding motorcycles. I currently own a Triumph Bonneville. My first bike after I took the motorcycle safety course was a Honda Shadow. Riding gives a sense of freedom that is hard to find in an Automobile. It also makes you understand how vulnerable you are on the road. I wish I had taken it up sooner in life.

That's all I have to say right now. I'm tired and its late (or early) and its time for bed.